Ashley Smith loses the plot #2

Tuesday 11-10-2016 - 10:20

Ashley Smith is an English and Creative writing student and has no interest in gardening. You are probably why someone like him would want to get involved in something like this. If you asked him this question the answer would consist of two words. The first being “Extra”. The second being “Credit”. 

As this is the difficult second blog I feel like I must entice all my readers (The twelve of you know who you are) with a catchy tagline. This week everything changed! Why did it change, I hear you ask? Well it changed because I was ill. Yes, dear readers, I have been struck down by the fiery temptress of fate and now have a cold.  Fear not however as this does have its positive points, one being that at least it gives me something to write about. What with the quest for material becoming ever more desperate I’m lapping this flu up like a Chinchilla with lock-jaw. 

Let’s not forget the reason why we are all here. 

On the second week of Allotmania it was easy to be swept away with the excitement of the whole thing but somehow everybody there kept calm. They kept calm and by god they kept on task! So many tasks were completed by the already close-knit group that it got quite annoying near the end. To be honest this is probably because it made me realise that, with or without gloves, I was about as useful as a bin bag that has been half full with coleslaw. This didn’t stop me though, I pressed on trying to ruin just about everything I got involved in. This included pouring compost into an area where the compost should not have been poured. I have witnessed many great tragedies on this earth but none were quite as harrowing as this moment! I have been told that my actions have already caused many weeds to grow and, as you can imagine, I am inconsolable. 

Another thing that happened at the allotment was the erection of the “pesky pigeon prevention pen” (available in all good stores now)! Do not worry if you haven’t got sufficient funds to buy a pesky pigeon prevention pen - in true Blue Peter fashion you can make your own. All you need is bamboo, CDs that nobody listens to anymore because this is the 21st century and we all buy vinyl now and some string. Once you have acquired all these components simply put them in a blender and see what happens. Whatever the finished product looks like it will probably be more aesthetically pleasing than the abomination taking up a square foot of ground on Clifton Campus.   

Now, have you ever wondered about the emotional state of tomatoes? No, me neither but we should have been because it is very important. Like you, and inevitably like me, tomatoes will only develop and ripen if they are happy. This begs the question, what do we have to do to keep vegetation happy? This in turn leads to the one of the features of the week… 

Ripe here, ripe now

  • To keep tomatoes happy here is what you must do. First you have to keep them in

Sunlight. We are not talking about watercress, people! Keep them in a greenhouse and give them Mediterranean conditions. Now I don’t know how you would go about doing this in Nottingham as the closest I have come to Mediterranean conditions is ordering a pizza and that was New York style.  

  • You have to water them all the time and make sure they are never dehydrated. The last thing you want is a tomato with a migraine because a tomato with a migraine is not a happy tomato.  

If you follow these simple steps then in a couple of months you will be flooded by the red stuff, but if you need them now then I think they still sell them down the shops.  

This brings me to follow-up on last week’s Newt News. Newt News came about when a rogue newt was spotted on the outskirts of the greenhouse, to which a handful of people were actually quite impressed. This however was not enough for the newt as it did not return this week, it was probably looking for attention somewhere else. The phrase “Look at me I’m a Newt and what are you going to do about it” will probably be heard throughout the city this week. 

We now return to the fixed weekly feature of telling you what the people of the Allotment picked… 

Ooh, look at the size of them! 

  • Tomatoes, obviously. 
  • Beans, beans of all shape and all sizes. Let it not be said that the allotment discriminates between different types of bean. 

That was shorter than last week’s wasn’t it. 

I will now leave you with the promise of an interview with somebody other than me in next week’s blog as something to look forward to. As well as the next instalment of Newt News, whether anything newt related happens however is yet to be seen. 

Ashley Smith


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